too little too much

tell me, is my makeup too heavy or am i not wearing enough?
are my breats too big?
is my ass too small?
do i say too much when i'm around you or am i so quiet that you forget i'm there?
are my outfits too loud?
are my lips too small?
do i care too much or were you always wanting more?
should i have kissed away my feelings?
should i have kept them all inside?
was my love too much or was it never enough?

because i don't understand why you could never love me back.

untitled no.1

i’ll give you my chalice if you give me your bitter cup

i would rather drink your poison if it meant you could be healed with my water

rest your crown of thorns upon my head and i’ll adorn your hair with flowers

let me take the pain off of your mind so you can see how soft the petals are

i will dress you in my finest silks if you let me take the lashes from your whip

you already have so many scars and i won't mind having a few more

i’ll be nailed to your cross if it means you’ll get to lie under the stars

let me take all of your pain, for i love you too much to watch you bleed

heart of black

i once loved a man that never loved me back

he only loved my rose colored lips and the small of my back

but i wanted his heart more than i wanted my own

so i gave him my all, my flesh and my bones

used and abused, his soft touch made me bleed

my skin ain’t as soft as it once used to be

and even though my heart of gold had faded to black

i always went back, i always went back

but as the years went on his touch became cold

his eyes became dark, his hands i could not hold

next thing i knew his nails had turned to claws

his touch began to hurt me, left me covered in scars

but i didn’t want to leave him because i knew his "heart"

the abuse wasn’t his fault, he was just "falling apart"

maybe if i loved him more i could save him, just a shred

but he was so far gone, the man i once loved was dead

my black heart he once held he now dropped on the floor

like he never even cared for me, that i was just his whore

i was used and abused, he made me bleed from every pore

my skin now dyed from all the red and now so soft just like velour

and though i have a shattered heart as black and dark as coal

i’ll always love what was left of his soul,

i’ll always love what was left of his soul

for colby

impressionism

when i am around you

my senses dull and blend

life becomes an impressionistic painting

colors bleed into each other

the lights feel warm and soft

the darkness seems to fade

i can’t make out your face

but i can feel you touch me

your fingers glide against my skin

like ballerinas sweeping across a stage

everything i see is red and black and gold

but in this moment your eyes are hazel

right now, in this moment

your eyes are hazel

a letter to those suffering with ptsd

to whomever it may concern,

you have lived through hell, and you barely escaped with your life and with your sanity. you feel that you have lost all sense of safety, security, and that you have been stripped to the core of what is left of your humanity. you are at you lowest level of existence. you feel as though you have nothing to live for, because they took all that you had. and now you feel as if your body is empty, that your mind is gone. you feel as though you had been cheated the luxury of death, because now you have to live with the aftermath of it all. you have to pick up all the shattered pieces of yourself and try to put them back together, but the shards are so small and there are so many of them that you inevitably lose a few, and you realize that you will never be whole the same way you were before. you are beaten and bruised, you're covered in fresh wounds. the wounds weep blood and pus and no matter how much disinfectant you use, they never get clean, they never heal. i wish i could tell you that with time they will scab over and disappear. i wish i could tell you that with time you will forget the pain, that you will sleep comfortably every night. but that is not the case, your wounds will only scab over, and if you’re lucky they will leave behind scars. hideous, mangled scars. and the scars will never fade, the scars will become tattoos upon the skin of your soul, never to be removed. 

your wounds won’t heal quickly, it will take years, maybe lifetimes before they start to seal. and sometimes when you think the pain is gone, a trigger will rip open the wound, making it feel fresh again. the triggers will catch you when you least expect it, and they will send you into a tailspin and all you can do it try to breathe deeply, and wait for it to be over. you will always have nightmares. you will never get a full night's sleep again, but the moon will be there to comfort you when the terrors keep you up. she will become your best friend. and your friends and family will never understand what you are going through. they will try to comfort you and express their sympathy, but they will never know how you feel, they will never know how to make you feel safe and secure because you never will again no matter how hard they try. and over time they will forget what happened to you, they will assume that you have healed and moved on, but you never will.  for a long time the you won’t feel a thing. you will cry all the time, usually in private so know one knows your suffering. you will want people to see you as strong, even though you could fall apart at the slightest touch. you will numb yourself in anyway you can just to dull the pain. you won’t exist for pleasure and experience, you will only exist for survival. 

this existence will feel as though it will last for an eternity, but over time your other needs will be met, you will find a way to live. and the pain and suffering will always be there, but they will dull over time. the wounds will still be there, but they won’t weep like they used to. the triggers will torment you, but you will learn how to breathe. the terrors will haunt you, but you will have the moon at your side. you will always cry, but the tears will always run dry. i wish i could tell you that this will all go away, but it never will. all that will change is you. so just be patient with yourself, let time take it’s toll. with time you will learn how to live through the pain. with time you will learn how to sleep at night again. with time you will learn how to love again. i promise.

-sarah

a list of feelings i've had as a woman

when lightning strikes in the afternoon and doesn't make sound, and you're sitting by the window in nothing but an old, oversized sweater and panties and everything is calm
everything is calm inside of you even when your surroundings are in utter chaos
and you didn't brush your hair that morning and you feel more beautiful now than you ever did before

when you're sitting on the floor in front of your mirror and you're slowly applying your makeup and it's never looked more perfect
and all you're wearing is a stained t shirt and your chill playlist is humming softly in the background and you sing along to every word
you have no agenda, no where to go, but you get ready anyway because the brushes feel so good on your skin

when you've had a long hard cry and your eyes are red and swollen and you can feel the dried tears that have stained your face and neck
and your heart beat slows down enough for you to make sense of all the emotions
and after a few minutes you start to laugh as the endorphins kick in after all the turmoil, reminding you that your body will always love and care for the soul it protects

when you see yourself after a shower, hair stringy and long, water dotted across your skin making your look like a galaxy
when your cheeks are flushed with roses and your body curves like botticelli's venus
and you can't help but take in your own imperfect beauty and for once you feel whole

when you see another woman across the street, walking with purpose and with a spark in her eye
you look at her and you already know that she is living her dream
and you feel a strong sense of kinship, that one of your own has made it, that you are proud to call yourself a woman too

when you see your mother after a long hard day, and she can see the burdens weighing down your eyes and she takes you into her arms
she has carried the same burdens you have, but she doesn't have to tell you because you already know
and she lets you put down you bags, hang up your coat, and lay in her arms till you're strong enough to get up and face the world again

when you're bleeding with the moon for what feels like the thousandth time and you wish it never happened to you in the first place
but then it hits you, the realization that you can create life within you, that you are the keystone to all life on earth
and when you see the red you smile, for it helps you remember what you are capable of

when you stand at the shore and you can feel the ocean kiss the sand beneath your feet
and the breeze dances through your hair and the clouds enfold you like a soft, cool blanket
you are all alone, yet at the same time you are with the universe in all it's complexity and all it's simplicity
and the universe reminds you who you are, that you are it's daughter, that you are everything and nothing all at once
that you are everything she is

rain drops

you are so beautiful

i'm just sitting here looking at you watch the rain drops drip from the rooftop and your eyes seem to catch every droplet that falls
your eyes are clear shimmering puddles that i find myself splashing in every once in awhile as if i were a child
you make me feel like a child again

you are so beautiful

the front porch

i'm waiting for january to start but it never comes
i'm waiting to get over you but love

i'm waiting for you to call me up at 9 o'clock but the phone never rings
and i'm waiting for you to leave her but you gave her a ring
but i'm still waiting
for you to get your shit together and come find me
i'm sitting on the front porch waiting for you to drive up
and i keep rescheduling my life because i choose to set aside time for you in my mind
but so far you've always been late

i'm waiting for my heart to die so i can move on
i'm waiting for my lungs to collapse so i can finally sleep at night
yeah i'm still waiting
for you to hold me in the dark when sleep won't stay by my side like you did that one time
and i'm waiting for you to realize that it was me you always wanted
that it was me you always wanted

but i never really was
i was the girl you loved but would never take seriously
you knew if you called i'd always come over but when i asked if you wanted me to stay you always showed me the door
you always wanted the girls you knew would break your heart because you love to be in pain
but did it ever cross your mind that you hurt me along the way?

it's february and i'm still sitting on the porch
waiting for you to come pick me up
waiting for you to realize that i've always been yours

the blues

you told me to sing the blues

you said that if my songs were all this sad

that they’d sound more like me to you

you said i was in my own world

you said that i was always somewhere else

that you never knew where i was

you said i looked so soft

you said i looked so gentle when i fell asleep next to you

that i looked peacefully beautiful

you said you were glad i was sober

you said you were glad i never did what you did

that i didn’t hurt myself like you did

you said that you loved me

you said i love you like you really meant it

three times you said it

you said you remembered

you said you remembered how much i loved billie holiday

that the blues were everything i was

you said you had a secret

you told me to keep it just between us

that chet baker was just for us

you asked me why

you asked me why i didn’t write anymore

that you missed my voice

you said you were alright

you said you were alright after arguing with you parents again

that you weren’t hurt

you said you were moving

you said that we would see each other again soon

that you wouldn’t forget me

please don’t forget me

because i’m not ready to forget you yet

please remember what i said

i need you to remember that i loved you

that i meant it

and i need you to know that i only love the blues

because they remind me of you

01/25/16

hi.

it's been a while hasn't it?

sorry for the silence.

i just had nothing to say.

nothing in my life has been worth writing about.

and yes i started college and yes my heart was broken again but these things have happened to me.

they haven't effected me quite yet.

i'm the happiest i've ever been in my life.

but at the same time i've never been so lonely.

because all the friends i didn't think i had have moved on.

and the only man that i've ever loved who loved me back didn't want to stay.

and i said i didn't want him to either but i've always been a good liar.

i'm afraid i'll never see him again.

and that haunts me.

at least the last thing we said to each other was "i love you."

i just hope he knows i always will.

they emptiness has returned to my chest.

and i'm truly smiling and truly living but it doesn't feel real just yet.

i'm going along with the motions and i'm doing my best to stay on top of it all.

but i can't help feeling like it all will come crumbling down.

that life can't ever truly be this good.

that nothing lasts forever.

i want to love my life but i can't yet.

i have trust issues.

and my heart is still on my cheek.

and i wish someone would rip it off and tell me how beautiful it is.

but people are scared to get blood on their hands i guess.

sorry i'm rambling.

i just have no one to talk to.

whats new?